Disappointments

I am annoyed today to discover that there are some people on my friend list who have no honor. Who choose to fight dirty with unkindness and in some respects, show me that their reasons for wanting to be "my friend" is because I look good. I am not going to say who it was who got past my normal defences, but he knows who he is. I can handle rejection. Been there-done that...lol...even wrote the book. But what galls me is that he did not let me know the change of affairs and instead ignored me as if I was unimportant. I have come to the conclusion that its safer not to have relationships. That way I will not be hurt by rejection.

I am not perfect and have many flaws. But one thing I am most adamant about is that if you want my attention then I want to know upfront - bare to the bones- honesty.

"What do you want from me exactly and What are you prepared to offer me?"

Its simple really, I am a single female, with simple wants. I don't require riches, I don't need things, I do require honest feelings.

Most of you have not met me personally, and I could be a fake for all that you know, but I know I would never be who I wasn't because in the end if I should meet any of you one day, you would know and be disappointed. I can't abide disappointments in life and would never wish it on anyone else. Its hard enough living life as it is without that.

My disappointments are many:

My first disappointment was being born into a dysfunctional family. My mother told my dad that she couldn't have children. My dad did, and was delighted when I came along. I got hand me downs from the family and was the last to ever know anything, which is still true today. Disallusionment with life began early. My dad has protected me from a mother who instilled fear and beatings as a form of control. She was cruel and unkind all the time. I spent time locked in cupboards or the bathroom. To this day I can't be in the dark and I can't be underground. Claustrophobia is hard to overthrow.

My second disappointment came when I married a guy who only wanted me because I had rich parents and he could party with friends. I was too young and too stupid to realize I had been conned. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Eventually I realized how cruel he was when our son ignored him and learned why. I kicked him out. Our son has nothing to do with him, and I have one delightful scientific genius now who visits on weekends after spending his week at University.

My latest disappointment is thinking I had finally found someone to care about and making the mistake of sharing my history and then been rejected by him.

How is it that when I am honest, I am pushed away as if I am unimportant in the daily events of life?

I think when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil I will ask God if I can come back as a big black canadian bear. I don't want to be a human being - its not worth it - and at least a bear can kick anythings butt!

And the stupid thing is- I am a nice lady.